Afraid of Love

As I sit on a fluffy couch sheltered from the torrential monsoon of the Ugandan rainy season by a tent I think of the abortion of potential. I was listening to Brian Welch of Korn sing about being afraid to love. In my case it is afraid to live. Though of course, you cannot live apart from love. I am not speaking of a passionate emotionally driven favor of something or someone. To call love an emotional high is to rob from the essence of the reality of love. TO be afraid to love is to fear advancement in life. How can I rob people of their destiny merely because I am afraid of mine? I think so many times we fear life full of love and we counterfeit life to be more comfortable with our surroundings Do the generations following you a favor and do not substitute your life of greatness for complacency. Love for greatness for you and the thing you love. Dr Myles Monroe wrote something that changed my life, he said, “How many children yet unborn were designed to sing the song you have never written?” Live life to the greatest potential through love not to please, better yet, live life to for what you will be remembered by. Why do people linger on people’s opinion and do not fulfill their God given destiny. History is more important than present. History prepares the foundation for future generations.

I had a dream a few weeks ago and someone in the dream kept telling me, “You are beautifully and perfectly created in the image of God with unlimited potential.” That has been on my heart and every time I see an impossible task I think about that. I can do nothing on my own. With God all things are possible. God uses people to be his hands, so I can do nothing apart from what I encourage people to help me do. As times my life seems completely impossible to generate greatness that is when I lean on God and I think about all of the greats and how they all have problems and hard times. I think life can be as easy as you make it. It is power of thinking, speaking, and knowing love that generates greatness.

My week… I am not going to lie or buffer myself (sorry) but it has been straight from hell. I think that everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong. Not to be pessimistic, Audra practice what you preached in the prior paragraph! You know every time I use an exclamation point I think about how Mark Twain said to use them is like laughing at your own jokes. Well I guess I laugh at my own jokes and I love using exclamation marks!

I caused an accident this week. A mzungu guy was looking at me and ran into the car he was following. I felt bad but just kept walking. My dad was in the hospital, nearly had an emotional breakdown, Michael Jackson died, was strapped by corruption, and I am displaced. The only one that I am going to go into is the displaced bit. I live/lived in a village right outside of Kampala. A man was arrested last Sunday for trying to kill a young girl, but is being charged with being connected with a gang of men, in my little village, who are murdering people to sell their body parts to witch doctors. The freaky thing is that the man who was arrested was a taxi driver. Lesley and I take a taxi into town everyday. I cannot compromise safety. God gave me wisdom for something.

On a happy note I took the Joy House children to the Zoo Saturday and had a blast! It was so amazing because the children had never seen the animals or the beach. They are African children and they had never seen a lion. You should have seen their faces when they were looking at the beach. They were so excited. It was a fantastic day that I would not trade for anything. I also got interviewed on TV about MJ’s death and you know a diva loves her bit of fame! Haha…

I had you all pray last week about me staying here in Uganda long term, and this week it was quite clear that God has other plans right now for me. That is okay. I am very sad to leave Uganda because this place is close to Heaven to me but circumstances have proved that I need to leave and return at a later date. Again I am heart broken but it is the more responsible, sensible, and most importantly it is God’s will. I think I will be coming back to the US in the next week or two. God bless. Kawa.

Mysterious Ways

Mysterious ways

 

People have such mysterious ways of living life. I think of how my life differs so much than that of a boda-boda driver, a Saudi oil billionaire, or even my house girls and I wonder are our lives really that much different. I know that we have different goals, immediate needs, value systems, and wants but generally I think everyone is after the same thing, which is happiness. Happiness can be fulfillment through riches in material things, religion, relationship, or merely surviving. Happiness cannot be found in selfishness but only through making others happy. The realization of how diverse my life is compared to some of the people I am around can really set me back. I am not speaking some distorted caste system but of how our society shapes us. I am a product of a middle class, American, extremely religiously oriented, committed, diligent, loyal, and disciplined family. My life is different from a person who from a baby in his single mother’s arms who has been traumatized by war and abuse, begging on the side of the road in Kampala. Or from a person who as a child was abandoned now has risen from that and become a powerful business personality or a kid who from birth was wrapped in swaddling Gucci throws. Life is so different to so many people but we all measure life in the same way and that is happiness through love.

 

This week…

 

Ten things I never thought I would ever say but I did this week:

 

1. I need to go and buy oil sheen for my weave.
2. No, that is not a tan; it is dirt from my ride home.
3. Most Ugandan born-again pastors are crooks.
4. You mean you are taking your Ak-47 into the pizza shop?
5. So you have 4 wives, what is the sleeping situation?
6. My hair is making me tired.
7. Oh its okay, I will just use our salad bowl and bottled water to bathe.
8. So you are going to sue a gay person because it is illegal to be gay?
9. Oh my God, our gate guard is crossed eyed!
10. You are calling people from the Woodlands, sophisticated Rednecks?!!

 

Thursday Lesley and I woke up early and made the long trek into town. We first went to our office, a.k.a Padorama Café, the only place in Kampala with free net and it is totally undiscovered. After a few hours we went to Owino Market. That was intense. The main reason I went was to mosquito nets for every child because one of my babies got malaria and was in the hospital with a 105 degree temperature. We took boda-bodas to Owino and I went to pay and my money was counterfeit. The man would not take it. I was so upset and kept convincing him that it was in fact real money and finally he took it, probably just to get the loud muzungus away from him. Owino is a whole other world. There is Uganda the third world country and then there is Owino, which is like a sixteenth world country. It is the thieves hang out. I am going to paint a banner to post at the entry stating, “Welcome to Owino Market the home of thieves, Rastafarians who hate to be called thieves, and all of the clothes that NGO’s send over thinking they are being given to people in need, Have a great shop, hold on to your bag for dear life!” I bought the mosquito nets from this guy who had to run to some other market to get the nets, then to get the frames for the nets, and then again because he tried to cheat me 4 frames. The mosquito shopping took around an hour. Lesley and I were just sitting while other dealers in the Owino neighborhood were coming up to us asking, “What are you going to do about my meal”, “You are white give me money”, “You come here and buy from me”. After the major ordeal of buying the nets we made our way through the hot and dirty alley ways to the children’s clothing wing.. haha.. I got the kids some very cute clothes! So by this time I am carrying a HUGE shopper bag with 15 nets and frames and 45 pieces of clothing. I am sure I looked really funny because I rode with the bag on a boda-boda motorcycle through town to Moses’ office. When I got to the security check at the office building the guard did not want to let me in. She said that my bag was a disturbance to the lift. That lady has serious beef with me, every time I walk into that building she goes through every bag personally. When I ask her why she only searches me or if she is prejudice against white people she just says, “I have my reasons”. No good… Anyways,    we were exhausted from our stressful time at Owino so Lesley, Edgar, Emma, and I went to have a quick dinner at a coffee shop at the base of the office building. It was nice except for the fact that the waiter gave us one free cappuccino for us to share! HAHA…After that Emma and Edgar dropped Lesley and me off. The whole drive they were complaining about how far the drive was, how bumpy the road was, how the security was not tight, etc… I am sitting in my bed right now with the windows open and I can hear the TV so loud next door that I feel like there is a man sitting in the corner of my room shouting in Luganda, oh wait the phone just rang and he turned the tube down! Haha.. TIA baby. It is funny all of the sounds I hear sitting in my room, 7x a day starting really early is the Muslim imam, Sunday mornings and most nights is a born again church, a lot is a baby screaming that really sounds more like a demon escaping her body and entering 50 swine, there are all different radios and tv, and the best are the roosters. You know it is so annoying but I love it. It makes life so much more interesting! Friday was a great day; I went to the American Recreation Association and seriously worked out. Then went swimming and got mobster lobster status sun burn! Later I met Moses and we went to dinner with one of his friends and his sister. Since it was Lesley’s birthday Saturday, and we both had overly busy Saturday’s planned, we partied on Friday! It was the most fun I have had in a really long time. We met at a hotel and our group shifted to a Latino salsa joint, yes I went Salsa dancing in AFRICA! Haha.. it was so fun and goofy! I had an overload of energy from my 3 mile run so I was extremely hyper all night. After we danced for awhile we went home. Only to wake up very early to have a birthday breakfast at the best place in town, The Serena (bells and harmonious music plays behind that introduction)! It was wonderful! Lesley was so thrilled and that made everyone so happy. After bf I had to make my way to the taxi park, only to wait in jam for about two hours getting to the park. I finally got to the taxi sat down and fell asleep! It was so funny I fell asleep and my head fell on my neighbors shoulder. I was so embarrassed! That is too bad for a taxi! I went very far from Kampala. I went to this place called Kiwolo… actually it was about a 14km boda ride from the Kiwolo taxi stage, so it could have been a different town. I met Pastor Sam and we went to his home in New Hope Uganda. New Hope is a really awesome NGO that has been here since the 80’s. I was so amazed and inspired. I have new vision or have clarified idea of what is in my heart. I left in a crammed taxi, sitting next to this mzee who looks exactly like a 90 year old Emma. I fell asleep in the taxi again but luckily I was sitting near a window so I slept on the window! I came back very dirty and sleepy and met everyone at the office. From there Lesley and I ate at New York Kitchen for a final birthday date and then went home to sleep. Sunday morning we woke up and went to KPC! We were late but thankfully Emma had saved us a spot close to the front. It was an awesome service. After church we went to Lotus Cantina Mexicana and ate! Carlo and Darlene met up with us and we went to Bayimbry Music/Art festival. It was so amazing and it was totally free. There were some really sketchy things about it but all together I was really excited that they were promoting the arts in a place where it is not so much celebrated.  We stayed for several concerts, traditional dances, movies, and a silent disco. I actually didn’t go to the silent disco because I met with Moses and Edgar at a coffee shop. Later us girls and Moses went to my favorite spot in town Emin Pasha (http://www.eminpasha.com/ ) The second picture down, with the couches is where we sat and had all kinds of AMAZING deserts! Moses can really spoil us gals! Monday was a really weird day for me. I was in a dull mood and just really needed to be alone. I went to the American Recreation Association and ate breakfast then went swimming. I did something I am a little ashamed to say… I got a weave. Seriously! I got a relaxer a couple of weeks ago and it damaged my hair and the hair dresser said that extensions would be a great idea to let my hair rest. So my whole head is plated and I have long fake blond hair! Haha.. it still makes me laugh! It is really nice though, I think I will continue to do my hair like this, I never have to do anything except brush! Monday evening something really amazing happened, I was riding a boda boda home. Lesley was with me but on a different boda. I always pray before I get on one, for safety. This time the Holy Spirit told me to get off. It was in a bad area and I did not want to be bothered with the hassle of stopping my boda, Lesley’s boda, and finding another one so I just prayed the whole time. A few minutes later my boda stopped and said, “get off I am not taking you” and he got me another boda. He then paid the boda to take me home. He and the new boda driver spoke for a few seconds, I got on the new boda and we left. The new boda said, “That man was a thief”!!! Thank you Jesus for protection! Tuesday was a very hard day. I woke up at 6:30am because I had so much to do, I went into town and nothing was open until 10:30. Or the first place I needed to go. The whole day was ran on African time! The only good thing about the day was my lunch with Marion (an American who works for Moses) and Moses. The rest was junk… Going to buy groceries for the kids and imagine little ol’ me trying to tote 100kg’s of Maize flour for posho, 22kgs of sugar, 25 boxes of milk, huge box of water.. it was hard to do alone. I need some volunteers to come and live with me!!! Haha.. SERIOUSLY! I dropped everything off at the Joy House and then went home to crash! By the way Lesley and I did not have running water for the first part of the week. It was really bad I used bottled water, a sponge, and a salad bowl to bathe! Haha.. Wednesday was busy with things I was supposed to do like go to the American Embassy for an interview but then realized I had to have a workers permit to do that!!! Haha.. It’s all good, I got to see Sherry! My sister that I lived with in California who has been in the UK the whole time I have been here. We had breakfast with Emma and Edgar before Edgar had to leave to go to Dubai. I went to the office and made a few meetings and went and looked at apartments with Lesley, Emma, and a broker. After we caught lunch. Then I had do go and do some things ended up napping at a friends. I caught a boda back into town to meet Lesley and Emma for church. We actually did not end up going because our cell leader was not hosting it! So we ate! Haha.. in Africa you have to eat a lot. You can get really sick. The guys in my life can be on us girls for not eating at the right hours. I am used to just eating little things all day, not here, I have to eat big meals several times a day! So it is Thursday and I am sitting in a café watching futbol, drinking water, using free internet, chatting with an American journalist having a great day. I woke up late today, did laundry, and visited the Joy House, set up a trip I am taking my kids on to the Zoo in Entebbe, Ate a small lunch, and now I am hanging out.

Next week is busy, meeting with many NGO’s including a Watato Village tour Monday. I am going to New Hope Uganda later in the week, along with many others. I will be looking at land that was given to me. Looking for a home to shift the children to that is more suitable for the children. Also looking for an apartment to move into next week. Taking the children to the Zoo in Entebbe!!!

I want to say a special thanks to Edgar, a blog reader and friend who gave me money this week to buy new shoes for the children. Also thank you to everyone who is a support with prayer and finances. I could not do this without you! F.Y.I help me pray I am thinking about coming home in August but returning very soon to stay indefinitely in Uganda. I think that the Joy House management is not where I want it to be and there are many opportunities awaiting me here. I am trying to get a job at the American Embassy and if I get a job to support myself I am going to stay. God bless and keep in touch.  

The Great Move

This week has been great since I have been well! As you probably know I got really sick Thursday night. I went to the Turkish place with a group of friends to say goodbye to Carly, the Australian missionary gal that came to assist Lesley and Africa Kids Foundation. I was feeling okay, not well but I was having fun so I can usually just hush the pain with fun. I started feeling bad so I went home to sleep. About 3am I started having the most severe pain that I have ever felt, no joke it was paralyzing. I was crying and I could not do anything about it. The next morning I went to the hospital. Actually the day I spent at the hospital was absolutely the most horrible time I have ever had in Uganda. You know when you feel like crap and nothing is going right how much worst it actually feels than if you did not feel ill?!  For the first time since I have been here I longed to be in the good ol’ US of A. The feeling quickly passed. After hours of waiting and feeling worst and worst I left. What makes me feel the best, I asked myself. Salon and Starbucks was my response. Starbucks was out of the picture so I went to the salon and got a mani/pedi. It was amazing therapy honestly I started feeling better. Meanwhile back in the States there was a mass of people interceding for me! Thank you! Here I thought it was the massaging chair and apricot scrub at the salon! Thank you God and thank you warriors who can stand in the gap! I went back to the hospital and they were weirded out because none of the six tests that I took were negative and they asked me to do three more test. I had a bacteria Infection. Thank you God for a good report! That night I felt fine so I went to dinner and then to watch Terminator with a friend. What a great day besides the whole sick/hospital thing! I am the queen of treating myself though, if I feel sorry for myself I can treat myself! Saturday I thought it would be a good time to relax so I slept in, went grocery shopping, made dinner, and then slept. Sunday I woke up early and went to Watoto Church for 8am service (flippin’ awesome) and then I went to Bussega Church where my new roommate preached the message, which was amazing. After church x2 I moved into my new homestead with Lesley. It was a busy afternoon but I moved in nicely. I am really enjoying my western toilet! Sunday night Lesley and I went into town to see the Kampala Contemporary Ballet. It was very interesting to say the least. After the ballet we ate Indian food with another friend. Monday, I took two of my children into town because they were sick. One of the kids had the symptoms of malaria and the other had worms. I was infuriated because no one had communicated to me that these kids were sick and worms are highly contagious. So I took Dan and Jau into town and we had so much fun. I heard probably ten times, “Mamma why are your babies so black”!! It was fun we went to a meeting first and they colored while I was in my meeting and were so well behaved until Dan wet his pants… So I had to go and buy him new pants. While we were at the market I felt bad because Jau did not get anything so I got her something. Then they were both wearing hideously nasty shoes and this pride came over me as I was their mamma, so I bought them new shoes. It was so much fun though. And the most important thing is that they deserve to be above rags. I want to raise the standard of living for them.  Then we met my brother, Emma for lunch where everyone thought that we were a happy little family! Haha.. After that I took them to Moses’ office building and from there we had so much fun. We were going up and down the elevators, running down the halls laughing and yelling, drinking coke and eating sweets, and mainly just enjoying each other! We had a blast! Because of that little outing today I am going to the market to buy all of my kid’s new clothes and shoes! They deserve it and it is cheap! Tuesday was Hero’s day so everyone was off work. Ugandans have public holidays every week. They can enjoy relaxing. Perfect opportunity for me to also relax so I went to the American Recreation Centre to swim. It was nice! It is weird to be in a place with only Mzungus though, it was kind of freaking me out! Haha.. After that I cleaned up and went to a really nice dinner in the rotating restaurant with Moses. It was so nice! We met this man from Dublin who was very lonely but also very funny and he joined us for a while and then left us to sit with the owner of the place, traitor. Just kidding I would have chosen the owner over us also… actually take that back I would have chosen us! Wednesday I took care of business in town and boycotted any form of paid transport. I walked everywhere and it was quite invigorating and gave me a great sense of independence that I really know Kampala. You see things differently when you walk. Every mode of transportation you receive a different view of the city, whether it be boda boda or benz you cannot compare the city to the way you see it looking through different eyes I guess... actually it is the way people look at you. I did not feel like a tourist I felt at home. I met up with several friends after my busy morning and we went to lunch that lasted most of the day. We actually got kicked out of the café because there were noise complains on us, we like to laugh too much! Ahhh….  After that Leslie and I went to cell group at Watoto. This week has been quite leisurely because I have not been well and I have been just taking it easy but this coming week is going to be very full. Meetings, looking at land and new homes to rent, visit other NGO’s C.E.O.s, registering as a national NGO (EdgarJ), going to the rifle range, visiting the National Mosque in full dress, and getting ready to visit Kenya next weekend! Okay to explain the rifle range, the other night Leslie and I were in the kitchen of our flat, she was washing and I was putting things away. We were just chatting as usual and we heard the most scary sound right outside of our window. I scream and ran out of the room and Leslie grabbed a frying pan and started yelling “who is there”… Keep in mind we are in the middle of nowhere with a guard that you have to throw rocks at his house to wake him up to open the gate for you… but also we are three stories up and there is no possible way that someone could have been outside of that window. Anyways I was pacing quoting scripture and Lesley a.k.a Nancy Drew was sleuthing the scene. Turns out it was the man underneath us blowing his nose and the windows were just open… or at least that is what I think. Anyways after that we decided that we wanted to get a gun. So we are first going to learn to shoot and then get a gun. We probably will not actually get one but it will be fun to learn to shoot. How hardcore would that be to tell someone, “I learned to shoot in Africa”. Pretty dang brutal. Then the national Mosque, we got Moses’ driver, Saif to arrange to steal his mum’s veils so that we can go to the national Mosque of Friday for prayers. Should be interesting. Then next weekend we are planning to go to Kenya. It is not for sure but we are planning to go on a safari and to see the Mosai.

Well life is good. God is better. I am happy. And I love you!

Remain in his perfect love,

Hello June!

Hello June!
This week has been a different one! I was actually able to get online more often than usual. Well I was online last Thursday and Friday. Friday night I spent alone. I went to a coffee shop and was on the net for awhile and then I went to the grocery store and got stuff to make cookies! Then I went Moses’ office where a few friends were congregated working… so I got on the net! Haha.. It is funny how excited I get over that little thing called the internet. Saturday morning I had a meeting with a lawyer at the Joy House. He advised me on a lot of things referring to protecting me from lawsuits and helped me with some ideas about policy. Earlier this week I wrote out the policies for the length of stay for each child, children seeing family members, and foreign volunteers coming to visit. It was lengthy but since I was BEDRIDDEN anyways it worked out. Saturday evening I went to a wedding with Carlo and Darlene. We kind of crashed it even though we had invites. No one knew anyone we kind of just ate and then left. Well I wish I would not have eaten because later that night I felt the effect of bad food. I was so sick… I was crying wanting my mamma. Of course I did not call her because she would have freaked out. Before I got sick Carlo, Darlene, Peter, and Ernest went to a small concert for the Kampala German society. It was nice besides the fact I had to leave early because I felt like booboo. Sunday I spent in bed all day. Pastor Bill Johnson in my ear for most of the day but I still missed church with my kids.
We paid all of this money last week for electricity to be turned on and I was expecting it to be on this week since everything is ready for it to be turned on but no it will not be turned on for 30 business days. Ridiculous. I have never really been a western snob until I heard that. The thing is that to hurry the process I have to ask a friend to ask a friend to ask for someone for me to talk to and everyone knows that means to bribe. That is rubbish. That is one good thing about the states you can write a letter and call a few times and you have it done… Doesn’t exactly work like that here in Uganda. The thing is that Uganda is very westernized I would think compared to other African countries. The pills I had to take for my stomach were pretty harsh. One of the side effects is metallic odor on body and mouth. Nice. I love stinking.
I will be moving this week. I figured it is the best thing for my health, emotional, and spiritual state. One of my close pastor friends in the states hooked me up with an international healing minister who works in Uganda. Cool story, I met he and his assistant and fell in love with them. Turns out they only live a half of a mile from the Joy House. I have been getting to a point that I did not want to stay at the home because I had to take sleeping pills and that would alter my mood every night staying with the children. I hate that but it is hard to sleep with so many people in one room. Especially now that the children are at school and they are gone by the time I wake up in the morning. Anyways so Rob, the pastor I was telling you about that lives a mile from the home, left to go home to Australia and left his assistant in Busegga… where I live. She asked me if I would move into her VERY nice apartment free of rent so that she would not have to stay alone. I prayed about it and was actually very torn because I did not want to let anyone down by not staying with the kids or most importantly make the children feel badly because I am not staying with them. I am going to do it. I will only be half a mile away and I will actually want to spend more time there if I do not have to fear the latrine and monster mosquitoes! haha I think it is a very wise choice. I will still be with the kids everyday and the friendship with the girl should be really fun! Her name is Leslie and she is radically in love with the father! She is Australian. Should be interesting... never lived with an Australian before.
Funny story… So I told you that I got stuff to make cookies. Well here in Uganda they use Blue Band instead of butter. Blue Band is like margarine. My mother has never used anything like that.. I have never been around fake butter in a tub. Well apparently Ugandans use cooking oil in the same form. It is like pam in butter form in a yellow tub as well. I cooked these cookies while I was sick thinking it would make me feel comfort of home and safe and I would not throw them up. Too bad I used 2 cups of cooking oil instead of margarine. They tasted so salty. Instant heartburn and then I threw it up. I was very sad. Lesson learned.
This week is a busy one. I am meeting with a Reuters photo journalist tomorrow to talk about doing a photo exposition for the Joy House. It could be big so please keep this in your prayers. Also this week has consisted of meetings with the children’s headmaster, going to other schools, visiting ministries that I worked with last visit, painting the rest of the house, getting over sickness and praying it is not Malaria. I started going to the Watato Church international cell group. They are the largest church in town. It is an American and Australian pastor. The church is a Hillsong ordained church. I was going to try to go on Sundays but it is too much stress on top of all day church with the children. Maybe sometimes I will attend because that is where Leslie and Moses go to church. I am very excited about this new faze of my trip. I am finally getting used to the differences, slinking away from my American habits (you have to if you want to be successful here), settling in and getting very organized. Next week Pastor Sam and I are going to look at land out of town where I will probably buy for gardening purposes and perhaps goats and chickens. I will keep you updated. God Bless.
Okay so all of that was Monday, I was trying to get ahead with my blogging so that when I got to the internet the blog would be completed and I would not need to worry about typing, only inserting to text! Today is Wednesday and it is a public holiday and cloudy. I have been trying to get to the American Embassy all week to get a club membership so that I stay healthy. No one is working today! I can’t do anything besides sit in an internet café! I found one with free net! SCORE!!! I am sure that is not true but I wanted to buy paint today and the driver is off of work and I do not want to hire a special. In a little while I am going to go and buy all of the food for the Joy House. Ugandans eat a lot. That is one observation I have come to. They like to eat. Huge portions. You may have to worry about HIV/AIDS, abandonment, war… but not starvation, at least here in the capitol. Food prices have gone up and that is scaring everyone. Last night I went to a half price movie with Carlo, Peter, Darlene, and Ernest. We also saw a friend that I have not seen since I have been here but I know very well from last visit!! Well I got a driver and now I am off to the American Embassy.. cross my fingers its open, to buy food, to buy paint, and then to go to cell meeting! Love you all!!