Black Walnut .. an older blog, I would not post it before today
Okay So I am supposed to be studying, but the forces of nature will not allow me, or perhaps it is my attention deficit disorder, inevitably I am at a loss of attention span. I am back in the states and I can honestly say that I would rather be in a country that has an terrorist threat on its brow. I do not know what is wrong with me. Honestly I have pleaded with myself to allow my freebird to ascend into the clouds of confusion, and allow me to live my American dream. The more I try to drive my love for adventure away the more it revolts, such as a teenager with authority. I love my parents, and I love their life, but I know that it is not my dream their life is not my dream. Most peoples life is everything contrary to what I desire. Sure they lead passionate lives, but the typical person does not die from passion as I do. I can truly say that I am passionate about everything, from my clothes that I put upon my back to the God that I serve. I have so much ambition at times that I wonder if I have a problem, and I dream entirely way too much. The million dollar question is, is this healthy or is it venomous to my self-esteem. I think sometimes when I cannot achieve everything that I want I feel like a failure, and this leads to an unhealthy state of mind. I am great, but since I have been home I have felt so stagnate. Where am I supposed to be, am I to put myself through the stress and torture of going to a place, which I have a love-hate relationship with. Staying right here in Sunny Ville is the ethical, logical, and finally the mature choice, but contrary to what my heart is telling me. Since I have been here I have felt like a video cassette put into one of the 1990 rewind machines, and once I reached the beginning of my saved life I am put into slow motion. It is completely horrifying to think of me actually going back to that premature state of existence. I have gone through so much, and there is no turning back. It is an inevitable dead-end, because I know that I cannot do what I really want to do and it totally kills me inside. I want to be free, but my duties will not allow it. I watched Tristan and Isole last night, and it really made me think about my duties. I have so much that I am supposed to do in my life What is expected of me, but my heart is screaming nothing but the ordinary.. Please nothing but the ordinary! As I sit here in my favorite restaurant of all times, family on their way, I am thinking of a million other places I would rather be. I can be so ungrateful and completely bratty, but I cannot lie about my feelings. My heart is not here.. I love these people more than life, but life has molded me and twisted me into this being that does not crave attention and acceptance from other, but lonely girl in search for something greater. I can not wait for this
Okay So I am supposed to be studying, but the forces of nature will not allow me, or perhaps it is my attention deficit disorder, inevitably I am at a loss of attention span. I am back in the states and I can honestly say that I would rather be in a country that has an terrorist threat on its brow. I do not know what is wrong with me. Honestly I have pleaded with myself to allow my freebird to ascend into the clouds of confusion, and allow me to live my American dream. The more I try to drive my love for adventure away the more it revolts, such as a teenager with authority. I love my parents, and I love their life, but I know that it is not my dream their life is not my dream. Most peoples life is everything contrary to what I desire. Sure they lead passionate lives, but the typical person does not die from passion as I do. I can truly say that I am passionate about everything, from my clothes that I put upon my back to the God that I serve. I have so much ambition at times that I wonder if I have a problem, and I dream entirely way too much. The million dollar question is, is this healthy or is it venomous to my self-esteem. I think sometimes when I cannot achieve everything that I want I feel like a failure, and this leads to an unhealthy state of mind. I am great, but since I have been home I have felt so stagnate. Where am I supposed to be, am I to put myself through the stress and torture of going to a place, which I have a love-hate relationship with. Staying right here in Sunny Ville is the ethical, logical, and finally the mature choice, but contrary to what my heart is telling me. Since I have been here I have felt like a video cassette put into one of the 1990 rewind machines, and once I reached the beginning of my saved life I am put into slow motion. It is completely horrifying to think of me actually going back to that premature state of existence. I have gone through so much, and there is no turning back. It is an inevitable dead-end, because I know that I cannot do what I really want to do and it totally kills me inside. I want to be free, but my duties will not allow it. I watched Tristan and Isole last night, and it really made me think about my duties. I have so much that I am supposed to do in my life What is expected of me, but my heart is screaming nothing but the ordinary.. Please nothing but the ordinary! As I sit here in my favorite restaurant of all times, family on their way, I am thinking of a million other places I would rather be. I can be so ungrateful and completely bratty, but I cannot lie about my feelings. My heart is not here.. I love these people more than life, but life has molded me and twisted me into this being that does not crave attention and acceptance from other, but lonely girl in search for something greater. I can not wait for this
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