Monday, August 28, 2006

Black Walnut Cafe


Black Walnut .. an older blog, I would not post it before today
Okay So I am supposed to be studying, but the forces of nature will not allow me, or perhaps it is my attention deficit disorder, inevitably I am at a loss of attention span. I am back in the states and I can honestly say that I would rather be in a country that has an terrorist threat on its brow. I do not know what is wrong with me. Honestly I have pleaded with myself to allow my freebird to ascend into the clouds of confusion, and allow me to live my American dream. The more I try to drive my love for adventure away the more it revolts, such as a teenager with authority. I love my parents, and I love their life, but I know that it is not my dream their life is not my dream. Most peoples life is everything contrary to what I desire. Sure they lead passionate lives, but the typical person does not die from passion as I do. I can truly say that I am passionate about everything, from my clothes that I put upon my back to the God that I serve. I have so much ambition at times that I wonder if I have a problem, and I dream entirely way too much. The million dollar question is, is this healthy or is it venomous to my self-esteem. I think sometimes when I cannot achieve everything that I want I feel like a failure, and this leads to an unhealthy state of mind. I am great, but since I have been home I have felt so stagnate. Where am I supposed to be, am I to put myself through the stress and torture of going to a place, which I have a love-hate relationship with. Staying right here in Sunny Ville is the ethical, logical, and finally the mature choice, but contrary to what my heart is telling me. Since I have been here I have felt like a video cassette put into one of the 1990 rewind machines, and once I reached the beginning of my saved life I am put into slow motion. It is completely horrifying to think of me actually going back to that premature state of existence. I have gone through so much, and there is no turning back. It is an inevitable dead-end, because I know that I cannot do what I really want to do and it totally kills me inside. I want to be free, but my duties will not allow it. I watched Tristan and Isole last night, and it really made me think about my duties. I have so much that I am supposed to do in my life What is expected of me, but my heart is screaming nothing but the ordinary.. Please nothing but the ordinary! As I sit here in my favorite restaurant of all times, family on their way, I am thinking of a million other places I would rather be. I can be so ungrateful and completely bratty, but I cannot lie about my feelings. My heart is not here.. I love these people more than life, but life has molded me and twisted me into this being that does not crave attention and acceptance from other, but lonely girl in search for something greater. I can not wait for this

Cali.. I love you

California.. California..here we come!! Here I am! I love you ..I need you,..I miss you!
Ha.. I am in California. I came a week ago, and I am leaving tomorrow. I have really enjoyed my self! Tuesday I went to Stockton. Justin post-phoned his ticket so that he could see me! We met at CLC chapel. I thought the service was going to make me really sad, but it did no such thing. In fact I felt kind of a peace of mind after I said goodbye to all of the people, which I love so much! It is weird what time and circumstances can do a person. I had such a wonderful time with my Justin! We went and ate Mongolian BBQ! I love it so much. Then we went to my storage building and packed for hours!!! It was actually fun with Justonious there!! Bex was there with her dadish doing the same thing as I. It was sad, but fun. I am really going to miss that girl. I have been missing Ishta so bad.. so so so badly! I guess after you see a person every minute of every day for a year you get kind of close to them. Plus we share a understand that many people can not comprehend. This week has been packed full of fun times. The reason we really came out here was to help with Danelle and Matts wedding. I did the every ones hair, and had a really stressful time. The wedding was a huge success and Matt and nell are happily on their honeymoon. Starbucks is closing so I will have tell you about the some really special details! I went to church, and watched two seasons of Gilmore Girls! It has been fun, but I am ready to get in the ritual of school and have a reality check on life! ciao